Pathways

(My original post was at Lullaby on Daydream Road)

I was re-reading some of my posts possibly trying to find insights or patterns…  I was actually suprised when I check out my post “Speak Child” from November 19th 2007.  I really did not remember discussing the events that have been plaguing me for so long.  I have been looking  for the right words in the past week because intense emotions have been brought back to the surface when I went to see a social worker at the CLSC.  I guess that it is a good thing that I have in the past already started to speak about it.  Seems like I had a powerful revelation that carried me for a while when I wrote that post.  I have been saying that I am going to go to group therapy; one of them is for survivors of rape.  Even if it was 14 years ago and that it seems I keep thinking I am “over it”, it still haunts me.  I am becoming mindful of the facts that I can’t escape from until I face them: I am a broken being, but I can heal and be happy.  People might have no idea how deeply it can affect someone life.  It was not the first scar, the first trauma in my life, but it has been reflecting into a lot of my unhealthy behaviors and negative thoughts.  I had a panic attack last night.  I had trouble to explain to Yan and Jackson that it was the case because for them I just looked like I was sitting at my laptop listening to music.  I took the time to explain it today.  I have been trying a new approach;  I wrote my way out of it.  I just was typing stream of consciousness style, letting everything out just the way it came to me.  I haven’t read the result yet, but I am sure that it will have something that will be very helpful to me.  One thing I remember is that I kept saying at some point that I must allow myself to fall in trance instead of trying to avoid it.  If I am at home safe, why not allow myself to go with the flow? I believe that this might be a key…