Journal of my Detox

I realized while checking through my posts that I am featured when you use the word “DETOX” on wordpress…  I was really suprised and delighted!

Yesterday I was really not feeling well.  It was like I was back into my detox from the effexors. My head was throbbing it seems.  I had flu like symptoms, so much pressure in my whole body. Yan is the one that mentioned to me that it looked like i was back in that very uncomfortable zone of expelling the unwanted anti-depressant from my body.  It makes me think that I have to keep vigilant because, well, 3 years of meds everyday could very well take a while to completely disapear.  Even if the most horrible effects from detox and the troubling side-effects from the effexor are pretty much gone, it is possible that I will have moments of weakness or relapses.

I have been pushing myself a lot the past few days: trying to be active, take care of some responsibilities, Igoing for walks… I am even planning on getting some more school, this time in infography.  I have been reading tons of different material ranging from how to get rid of anxiety to how to blog, meditation tricks and NLP… Maybe this is the reason I felt so weak yesterday and still a bit today.  I might be pushing myself too much.  But I want to feel alive and well. I’ll take things easy today I guess.  Anyway, I have been checking like I said my post, especially those that I did everyday of my detox.  I thought that I could maybe find something interesting; maybe a pattern, a way to express myself that changed.  I wanted to see an evolution I guess, tips that things are going in the right direction.  I also thought that now that the actual core of it is passed, I could actually make a complete post that might come handy for people that have to go through the same experience.  At least if they could relate and see that they are not alone…

July 12, 2008 - Day 1
I was drunk all day. I decided to go to bed without taking my effexor. I did not actually make a post on that day.

July 13, 2008 - Day 2 May it Stimulate my Soul
I made a post before going to bed in the night from the 12th to the 13th. I was drunk and debating my options. I made a second post when I woke up. It was comprising a list of things that we found could help during detox.

July 14, 2008 - Day 3 Dream a little Dream
I had an horrible vivid nightmare during the night. I felt really weak physically all day. My whole body was buzzing. I was feeling quite odd and uneasy.

July 15, 2008 - Day 4 A glimse
I woke up and my whole body felt wrong. My skin was itching, actually the feeling was under the skin. I head heavy head pressure and frankly I think I was freaked out all day and out of control.

July 16, 2008 - Day 5
I did not post anything. I felt too messed up to gather the energy. I was feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare and I could not shake it off. It was rather scary. I was seeing no “escape”.

July 17, 2008 - Day 6 The hours getting late…
I was still feeling quite negative and uneasy yet I think I had started to allow myself to fight. There were some hopeful thoughts that I could almost grasp. Thorne send me something to read and I watch the episode “Out of the Ashes” from Jeremiah before midnight.

July 18, 2008 - Day 7 Out of the Ashes
I started writing a post, this very post at midnight exactly. I did not sleep until 6 am. I was still quite anxious but I could hold the emotions more at bay. I reflected a lot on everything. I made a conscious effort to change my view point, my perspective about myself. I think I might have start to love myself again.

July 19, 2008 - Day 8
Despite all the physical ickyness that are still present I am in a much more positive mood. I would not say I am energetic but I can do things by myself in the apartment. I get tired and dizzy within minutes, but I am not feeling that I am gonna collapse even when I am lying down like the rest of the days.

July 20th Day 9 of detox Epic Fail
I was suffering from several physical symptoms from the detox; flu like, head buzzing, body itching.  I felt like there was acid in me and that everything that my body was excreting was burning me (including my sweat and my saliva). Emotionally  I thoughts things were under control but it seems like i have been overacting and was acting not very nicely to my loved ones.  I really felt bad on all levels.

July 21th Day 10 of detox Not really
I was feeling bad still, slept pretty much all day. I was trying to remain calm but my cat was sick.

July 22th Day 11 of detox Is that all?
I had one of those dreams that you think you are awake but your not and you are trapped trying to yell for help but all is silent.  My anxiety was making me anxious.  I was a total mess.

July 23th Day 12 of detox I know I’ve started to think
I reflected on the fact that the song “Cars” by Gary Numan seems to be about agoraphobia and how the only place he feels at ease is in his car. I doubt that I would ever be alright, but could not stop signing along with the song even if I was deeply depressed.  Cleo, my cat was really sick with pyometra and we sadly went to see a vet that did not care at all about anything else than money.  I was devastated.

July 24th Day 13 of detox Dreaming of Simplicity
I realised that behind the little things that set me off into panic and anxiety, their is a bigger issue.  Something very painful that needs to be resolved.  Happy to be effexor free, but somewhat scared at having to deal with my issues without medication.

July 25th Day 14 of detox Some Rest
I took things easy. I came to the conclusion that if my mind is still, I could hear the message.  I think that that realization was important.

I stopped counting the days afterwards.  The physical sensations were pretty much gone and I was not feeling that I was in a perpetual storm of emotions.  It is still an everyday battle to feel alright but I think I am doing well at it.   As anyone can see reading my blog, I have ups and downs.  I am always trying to go forwards even if I find myself feeling like I am back at square one.  I know I will be alright.