Happy Healthy Eccentric

I was meditating, doing some deep introspection this morning. I wanted to try to heal myself because last night I had a fairly bad “episode”. I imagine it was just a very bad panic attack, but I was scared and thought I was maybe losing my mind. We were watching The Stand TV miniseries when I started to feel very odd inside. It was more sensations than actual formed thoughts that started to plague me. I never saw the series before or even read the book, but I think it was the sense of familiarity that made me feel particularly uneasy. There were whole scenes or sometimes just some little character quirks that were hitting way to close to home. Now, this is not my first time watching a post-apocalyptic themed media, but for some reason instead of leaving me with a sense of strength and courage like Jeremiah did, or with the deep feeling of epiphany like Battlestar Galactica, I was left with the taste of impending doom and the idea that evil lurks everywhere. I tried to eat a little bit, took my risperidone and went to bed hoping to rest and not have nightmares.

I did have some very rich and complex vivid dreams last night, but no nightmares. I woke up this morning wishing to understand more about myself. What was last night all about? It came to me while I was lying there in my bed visiting my body and mind piece by piece. I questioned myself about where the sensations have been coming from. I’ve realized that when I am having a panic attack, my throat gets all tight and my whole digestive system goes crazy. I explored further and tried to slightly revive the sensation within me but this time I wanted to observe it instead of getting overwhelmed by it. Something hit me about The Stand: a lot of the characters were total outcasts that could almost be rudely misjudge as “defective”. They were that way either because of who they were even before the shit hit the fan or because they became insane as a result of the dramatic events. I think It stroke a nerve with me. Even if I did not hear the words, a lot of things were on my mind: How insane do I look to people? How much of an outcast am I? Am I all alone in my reality? How do people judge me? I realized that those were questions that did arise in my mind last night. I felt my throat and my stomach react to those questions, so I knew I was on the right track. I decided to direct my thoughts to a more positive alley and asked myself consciously instead what is it to be me? I remember several times where I felt joy in being myself, even pride. I loved my difference, I’ve celebrate it, I’ve flaunt it even. I eventually came out of my relaxation state and decided to read on wikipedia. The word that came to me and that I wanted to research was eccentricity. The reason was simply because I know that several real and fictional people I admire are qualified as being such and for me it is a very positive thing to be. Edith Sitwell said this:

“Eccentricity is not, as some would believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.”

I am not claiming that I am a genius; but I believe I am a very curious creative being. Edith Sitwell statement did ring true to my ear; that eccentric people are simply unconcerned by society’s disapproval of their habits or beliefs. I am thinking that my deficient physical and mental well being are tighly attached to my too vast concern about what others think of me. Psychologist Dr. David Weeks mentions people with a mental illness “suffer” from their behavior while healthy eccentrics are quite happy. So this might be a key to myself… Switching my perceptions about my behaviors to actually what I personnaly believe (that I am actually an artist and that my oddity is just part of who I am) instead of have everything tainted by what I perceive others or society might think of it (that I should be silenced and put away). This is very difficult, but at least I am getting more in touch with myself I believe.

My thoughts went back to Battlestar Galactica because I find a lot of insights in it. I reflected on the character of Gaius Baltar for a while. There is a strengh in him that I admire; he surrendered to what was within. It did take some time and a few acts of serependity for him to finally grasp the fact that there was only one way he would survive; he needed a leap of faith. He did not stop to wonder about what others would think of him. His “internal Caprica 6″ guiding him through painful and difficult situations as he walked forward. He just let go and had faith in his perceptions and in something way bigger then him.

I am idealistic and I have known very early in my childhood that I am different from others. I think I have had a non-conforming attitude for the most, but I believe that when I fell ill, my ways had sustained a drastic change. I was very concerned about what others were thinking of me, how they were perceiving me… Even what they would say about me when I was not there. It eventually turned into thoughts about how would people/society stigmatize me for being myself. I think I became afraid to be completely alone, outcast if I was to speak my thruth.

Just like Baltar, I need to find that source within myself that will allow me to go forward no matter what. An angel? A demon? It does not matter what it is inside that keeps the fire going. It is that need to live, that need to be in the world while knowing fully how I relate to it because I know myself.