Better, Stronger, Clearer

I have begun to read for the second time The Art of Everyday Ecstasy by Margot Anand. This time again it just comes and grabs me just the way I needed it to.  In the ways she express herself I can find comfort and I recognize my own thoughts as well. She is one of these people that help me to remember who I am: she resonates with me so deeply that in the past few days since I started reading there has been more than a few significant “clicks” in my head.  It has been like doors have been opened, or even like some key has help to solve the encryption that i could not decipher anymore.  Things are clearer.  I breathe better.  I feel better too.  I’ve quickly come to a  conclusion:  I can make everyday a reverence. I don’t have to go to Tibet or in India to meditate or find myself. I can do it here and now. By being mindful of what I am doing and by creating a multitude of little “rituals” or sacred positive habits. Here are a few things that I am going to do my best to implement in my everyday life.

I will hold a blogging schedule while allowing also intuitive blogging on the spur of the moment. This will help me to start series of articles and thematic essays.  Since it will mean also that I will stop and actually brainstorm on a regular basis it could be amazing on a creative and self-actualization level.  I’ve decide to do this also because I read the series of article from Problogger “31 Days to built a better blog“. Another of is Ideas was also to Interlink your Archived Posts.  I am going to do that much more too because it means that i re-read my entries and can observe myself and even comment on myself.

Another habit will be that I will take the time to listen to some music everyday.  This means that I will have to create some playlist depending on moods or intentions. I could even blog about it. Explain why I can’t get enough of so and so…

One action brings another. I’ve been keeping busy but I did not push myself too far. I have actively tried to face my fear.  I feel odd to affirm this but I have allowed myself to fall in trance and I have found strengh in it. I have felt the panic coming over me coming on a few time.  I have felt the physical symptoms and I have step aside, I have looked at them and even if I was terrorized I said clearly in my head stop. I have observed myself and I have understood a bit more about my nature. I have realized that I have certain triggers that just propulse me in panic attacks; It can even be just reading something on the internet.  I needed to face a question that I did not want to hear the answer for.  I did not want to think about what to do next about the rapist, about my life regarding to the events.  I am not going to forgive him but I have to make peace with it or the images and all that comes with it will continue to haunt me.  I want to heal, I want to be well.  It was difficult to face the fact that I am just going to have to let it go. I don’t think that dragging it any longer will do me any good. Getting into anything legal would be very messy and would bring even more hurt.  I just want to go on with my life the way I want and I want to stop to apologize for who I am.