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borderline personality disorder
January 2009 
Stop walking on eggshells (Taking my Life back)
Posted on Nov 15th, 2007
by 
The Onyxx
The Onyxx
Well, a lot came to be more clear in the past month or so. One of the person I have been sharing my life with is probably suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. me and Yan have been together for two years almost now and frankly in the past year things have been going from good to horrific. I am not going to go in details here, but I have lost total control of my life. This is one of the reasons I have not been around here much. actually.... I have not been around anything much in the past two years.
The first year, I personnally wanted some time off to figure myself out. The second year, I started to go back towards people and this is when I met Jackson. Right away my relationship with Yan became stormy ( not that there had not been a couple of moment I felt hurt but mostly it was great and fun). He was really needy, even if we had discussed that polyamory was the way to go. I am a hippy mama, a free spirit... Anyway, me and Jackson were in it for creativity; we fed each other imagination. This was the most important point (and still is) in our relationship.
Things are quite difficult right now for me because I am trying to get my life back in order. I have been feeling some bad without knowing that actually his fits of rage had nothing to do with me. He has a mental illness, like his mother and like his grandmother had before him. At least, now he does realise it. But there are a few more problems that I do not wish to discuss here for the moment... One thing is certain: I want to move on my own (with my cat Cleo of course). I need my own space because I have not been able to have it for so long. And no, I do not wish to move in with Jackson. We have already established that we want to live "together apart". I need my sanity; I am myself on effexor xr (150). been on them for 2 and a half year now. It is about time that I put a stop to my "madness" and actually get to live in happiness. Not stress, not anxiety, no tears... Two weeks ago I went into a massive anxiety attack. It lasted about 3 days. The valve poped I was not able to talk, I was crying uncontrollably, having huge spams that seemed like they would never stop. Jackson was holding me in his arms trying to calm me down, make me come back. I was so very scared.
He also has substance abuse problems and has been in detox in and out for the past month. The first year of our relationship, he was clean. Actually we had hooked up the night before he left for detox 2 years ago. He only stayed there for 3 weeks (it was confrontation therapy and it really did not go well with the abused he had all his childhood...)
Anyway I was expecting him out for the evening tonight and back to detox for 10pm because today he is 24 years old. But last night he was at home when I came in. He was trown out because he got into a argument with some of the responsable there. I am nervous, and anxious. he tells me that he feels great and that he will seek psychiatric help. I want to believe that it is going to be ok. I dont want to cry again and hurt because of him.
I got "Stop walking on eggshells: taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder" as well as the workbook that goes with it. I did it for myself.. to heal..
Wel i got to work now it's pass 8h30.
The first year, I personnally wanted some time off to figure myself out. The second year, I started to go back towards people and this is when I met Jackson. Right away my relationship with Yan became stormy ( not that there had not been a couple of moment I felt hurt but mostly it was great and fun). He was really needy, even if we had discussed that polyamory was the way to go. I am a hippy mama, a free spirit... Anyway, me and Jackson were in it for creativity; we fed each other imagination. This was the most important point (and still is) in our relationship.
Things are quite difficult right now for me because I am trying to get my life back in order. I have been feeling some bad without knowing that actually his fits of rage had nothing to do with me. He has a mental illness, like his mother and like his grandmother had before him. At least, now he does realise it. But there are a few more problems that I do not wish to discuss here for the moment... One thing is certain: I want to move on my own (with my cat Cleo of course). I need my own space because I have not been able to have it for so long. And no, I do not wish to move in with Jackson. We have already established that we want to live "together apart". I need my sanity; I am myself on effexor xr (150). been on them for 2 and a half year now. It is about time that I put a stop to my "madness" and actually get to live in happiness. Not stress, not anxiety, no tears... Two weeks ago I went into a massive anxiety attack. It lasted about 3 days. The valve poped I was not able to talk, I was crying uncontrollably, having huge spams that seemed like they would never stop. Jackson was holding me in his arms trying to calm me down, make me come back. I was so very scared.
He also has substance abuse problems and has been in detox in and out for the past month. The first year of our relationship, he was clean. Actually we had hooked up the night before he left for detox 2 years ago. He only stayed there for 3 weeks (it was confrontation therapy and it really did not go well with the abused he had all his childhood...)
Anyway I was expecting him out for the evening tonight and back to detox for 10pm because today he is 24 years old. But last night he was at home when I came in. He was trown out because he got into a argument with some of the responsable there. I am nervous, and anxious. he tells me that he feels great and that he will seek psychiatric help. I want to believe that it is going to be ok. I dont want to cry again and hurt because of him.
I got "Stop walking on eggshells: taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder" as well as the workbook that goes with it. I did it for myself.. to heal..
Wel i got to work now it's pass 8h30.
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