The Onyxx
The Onyxx
Last night Jackson and I have watch the movie L.A. Story by Steve Martin. It was very well written and acted, it was quite a fantastic surprise actually. What a delightful romantic comedy it was. I’ve discovered to what extend that Steve Martin is actually creative and interesting. What really blew my mind away is a scene where he does some performance art by rollerskating a whole choreography in a museum without being caught by security. His best friend is videotaping the whole thing. I felt something inside; a warm comforting feeling that arose and that has been growing and filling me bit by bit since. I have been feeling rather down the past few days. Actually this is an understatement; I have been paralyzed with fear not able to face the outside and at the same time struggling because I have been feeling claustrophobic. But that movie did touch something within me that needed to be awaken. I’ve said thanks many times to Jackson for a very nice time and for introducing me to a fine piece of artwork.
I’ve come across Yoko One Blog at 100 Acorns. I invite you to check it out. This is another of her projects that is so simple but so effective to deliver who she is. She invites people to comment on her daily post. I’ve myself left a message denoting my appreciation of her creation:
“Thank you for being you and for bringing your life force into the world by making creations like this one. You are a true inspiration. Finding this 100 Acorns today has brought me a perspective renewed. I feel better and I can now envision again all the possibilities available to me. A seed has been planted in the past and I was struggling to grow into being myself as a full being and as an artist. I have found some nourishment in your art; I am very grateful to you.”
I will be taking the time to take a pen and paper and ask myself the questions that needs to be asked. I will keep my hope up and I will give myself a chance to be alive again. I have looked up on Wikipedia the definition of Performance Art and it brought me some ideas about what direction I might be taking in the near future.
at Lullaby on Daydream Road
http://lullabyondaydreamroad.wordpress.com/
The Onyxx
The Onyxx
The Onyxx
The Onyxx
I realized while checking through my posts that I am featured when you use the word “DETOX” on wordpress… I was really suprised and delighted!
Yesterday I was really not feeling well. It was like I was back into my detox from the effexors. My head was throbbing it seems. I had flu like symptoms, so much pressure in my whole body. Yan is the one that mentioned to me that it looked like i was back in that very uncomfortable zone of expelling the unwanted anti-depressant from my body. It makes me think that I have to keep vigilant because, well, 3 years of meds everyday could very well take a while to completely disapear. Even if the most horrible effects from detox and the troubling side-effects from the effexor are pretty much gone, it is possible that I will have moments of weakness or relapses.
I have been pushing myself a lot the past few days: trying to be active, take care of some responsibilities, Igoing for walks… I am even planning on getting some more school, this time in infography. I have been reading tons of different material ranging from how to get rid of anxiety to how to blog, meditation tricks and NLP… Maybe this is the reason I felt so weak yesterday and still a bit today. I might be pushing myself too much. But I want to feel alive and well. I’ll take things easy today I guess. Anyway, I have been checking like I said my post, especially those that I did everyday of my detox. I thought that I could maybe find something interesting; maybe a pattern, a way to express myself that changed. I wanted to see an evolution I guess, tips that things are going in the right direction. I also thought that now that the actual core of it is passed, I could actually make a complete post that might come handy for people that have to go through the same experience. At least if they could relate and see that they are not alone…
July 12, 2008 - Day 1
I was drunk all day. I decided to go to bed without taking my effexor. I did not actually make a post on that day.
July 13, 2008 - Day 2 May it Stimulate my Soul
I made a post before going to bed in the night from the 12th to the 13th. I was drunk and debating my options. I made a second post when I woke up. It was comprising a list of things that we found could help during detox.
July 14, 2008 - Day 3 Dream a little Dream
I had an horrible vivid nightmare during the night. I felt really weak physically all day. My whole body was buzzing. I was feeling quite odd and uneasy.
July 15, 2008 - Day 4 A glimse
I woke up and my whole body felt wrong. My skin was itching, actually the feeling was under the skin. I head heavy head pressure and frankly I think I was freaked out all day and out of control.
July 16, 2008 - Day 5
I did not post anything. I felt too messed up to gather the energy. I was feeling like I was trapped in a nightmare and I could not shake it off. It was rather scary. I was seeing no “escape”.
July 17, 2008 - Day 6 The hours getting late…
I was still feeling quite negative and uneasy yet I think I had started to allow myself to fight. There were some hopeful thoughts that I could almost grasp. Thorne send me something to read and I watch the episode “Out of the Ashes” from Jeremiah before midnight.
July 18, 2008 - Day 7 Out of the Ashes
I started writing a post, this very post at midnight exactly. I did not sleep until 6 am. I was still quite anxious but I could hold the emotions more at bay. I reflected a lot on everything. I made a conscious effort to change my view point, my perspective about myself. I think I might have start to love myself again.
July 19, 2008 - Day 8
Despite all the physical ickyness that are still present I am in a much more positive mood. I would not say I am energetic but I can do things by myself in the apartment. I get tired and dizzy within minutes, but I am not feeling that I am gonna collapse even when I am lying down like the rest of the days.
July 20th Day 9 of detox Epic Fail
I was suffering from several physical symptoms from the detox; flu like, head buzzing, body itching. I felt like there was acid in me and that everything that my body was excreting was burning me (including my sweat and my saliva). Emotionally I thoughts things were under control but it seems like i have been overacting and was acting not very nicely to my loved ones. I really felt bad on all levels.
July 21th Day 10 of detox Not really
I was feeling bad still, slept pretty much all day. I was trying to remain calm but my cat was sick.
July 22th Day 11 of detox Is that all?
I had one of those dreams that you think you are awake but your not and you are trapped trying to yell for help but all is silent. My anxiety was making me anxious. I was a total mess.
July 23th Day 12 of detox I know I’ve started to think
I reflected on the fact that the song “Cars” by Gary Numan seems to be about agoraphobia and how the only place he feels at ease is in his car. I doubt that I would ever be alright, but could not stop signing along with the song even if I was deeply depressed. Cleo, my cat was really sick with pyometra and we sadly went to see a vet that did not care at all about anything else than money. I was devastated.
July 24th Day 13 of detox Dreaming of Simplicity
I realised that behind the little things that set me off into panic and anxiety, their is a bigger issue. Something very painful that needs to be resolved. Happy to be effexor free, but somewhat scared at having to deal with my issues without medication.
July 25th Day 14 of detox Some Rest
I took things easy. I came to the conclusion that if my mind is still, I could hear the message. I think that that realization was important.
I stopped counting the days afterwards. The physical sensations were pretty much gone and I was not feeling that I was in a perpetual storm of emotions. It is still an everyday battle to feel alright but I think I am doing well at it. As anyone can see reading my blog, I have ups and downs. I am always trying to go forwards even if I find myself feeling like I am back at square one. I know I will be alright.
The Onyxx
I have begun to read for the second time The Art of Everyday Ecstasy by Margot Anand. This time again it just comes and grabs me just the way I needed it to. In the ways she express herself I can find comfort and I recognize my own thoughts as well. She is one of these people that help me to remember who I am: she resonates with me so deeply that in the past few days since I started reading there has been more than a few significant “clicks” in my head. It has been like doors have been opened, or even like some key has help to solve the encryption that i could not decipher anymore. Things are clearer. I breathe better. I feel better too. I’ve quickly come to a conclusion: I can make everyday a reverence. I don’t have to go to Tibet or in India to meditate or find myself. I can do it here and now. By being mindful of what I am doing and by creating a multitude of little “rituals” or sacred positive habits. Here are a few things that I am going to do my best to implement in my everyday life.
I will hold a blogging schedule while allowing also intuitive blogging on the spur of the moment. This will help me to start series of articles and thematic essays. Since it will mean also that I will stop and actually brainstorm on a regular basis it could be amazing on a creative and self-actualization level. I’ve decide to do this also because I read the series of article from Problogger “31 Days to built a better blog“. Another of is Ideas was also to Interlink your Archived Posts. I am going to do that much more too because it means that i re-read my entries and can observe myself and even comment on myself.
Another habit will be that I will take the time to listen to some music everyday. This means that I will have to create some playlist depending on moods or intentions. I could even blog about it. Explain why I can’t get enough of so and so…
One action brings another. I’ve been keeping busy but I did not push myself too far. I have actively tried to face my fear. I feel odd to affirm this but I have allowed myself to fall in trance and I have found strengh in it. I have felt the panic coming over me coming on a few time. I have felt the physical symptoms and I have step aside, I have looked at them and even if I was terrorized I said clearly in my head stop. I have observed myself and I have understood a bit more about my nature. I have realized that I have certain triggers that just propulse me in panic attacks; It can even be just reading something on the internet. I needed to face a question that I did not want to hear the answer for. I did not want to think about what to do next about the rapist, about my life regarding to the events. I am not going to forgive him but I have to make peace with it or the images and all that comes with it will continue to haunt me. I want to heal, I want to be well. It was difficult to face the fact that I am just going to have to let it go. I don’t think that dragging it any longer will do me any good. Getting into anything legal would be very messy and would bring even more hurt. I just want to go on with my life the way I want and I want to stop to apologize for who I am.
The Onyxx
I must stop thinking that there is a problem for me to express my thought in the way I want. I’ve come to realize that my vision is actually getting clearer and clearer as I progress on my path. That’s is one of the thing I thought about while in trance/panic attack last night: no matter what happened to me, whatever good or bad, there is a part in me that is pure and untouched. If I remain aligned to that higher-self, If I remain authentic to myself, if I speak my truth, there is nothing to be afraid of. Everything becomes possible… The essence of who I am never change.
I will in the future talk in length about the Hybrid from the tv show Battlestar Galactica. I have a very strong connection to her. I feel like the modern archetype that she represent for me is very close to my vision of who I am at a metaphysical/spiritual level. I will be writing a serie of posts under the titIe “The Zen of Cylons”.
One degree angle nominal. Seascape portrait of the woman child cavern of the soul. Under pressure-heat ratio ides of evolutions have buried their fears.
The Onyxx
The Onyxx
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January 2009 
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